Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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