i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
