genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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