He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
