I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
