Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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