In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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