Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
