All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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