If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
