if only i could text you this smell
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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