God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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