They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just found puke in my bra..
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
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