lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
