dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
