Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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