is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
