can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
