If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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