I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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