twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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