Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
