I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
