I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
