the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
