My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
