A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
