he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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