this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
