seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
