i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
