my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
