is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
