Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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