my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
