god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
im on a boat
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