Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
