I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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