When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
