He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
