Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
