I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
being pregnant is like rehab
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
