Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
