so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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