Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
