I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
