I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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