i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
