I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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