I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
