So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
