Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
