I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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