I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
